Planeswalker's Sanctum

2009-01-30T00:10:00.000+08:00

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Not as I had Expected

2007-01-07T11:10:00.000+08:00

i've always wanted to say this, 'if you break her heart, i'll break your leg' to one of my sis's future boyfriend, but guess i may actually be saying it earlier than i expected..

so far, nothing is going as i had expected, but i guess it is the right path pointed out for me, since i had decided not to choose a long, long time ago..

regarding my parents, they are still not talking to each other, even after i sent that email to them both..

guess my self-imposed exile will last as long as the cold war is going on..

Letter

2007-01-05T23:37:00.000+08:00

these past few days, the four of us can see that you both are not on that good terms with each other.

all i want to say is that the things that you both are doing, whether sub-consciously or on purpose, is childish and only serves the purpose of diminishing our respect of you both as our parents. us 3 elder ones and, to a certain extent, teng, are able to see that what you both are doing is absolutely foolish. i am really disappointed that you both are acting this way. i really thought that you two, as an adult and as our parents, should know better than to let this kind of thing affect you both.

seriously, dad, you are the one always teaching us about discipline, about doing the right thing at the right time. but what happened on 31th Dec has in a sense voided that principle, because if you yourself dont set a good example for us to follow, how do you expect us to be disciplined?

mom, just because dad angered you doesnt give you the right to vent your anger on anyone else. i know you two hasn't been on speaking terms with each other, but all i can say is that this cold war is getting nowhere.

frankly, the list of the things done this week that distressed me has quite a few items, but i do not want to list them.

so can you both please stop being so stubborn and just apologise to each other, because you both are at fault here. whether you both dug up any other things to 'discuss' i am not going to bother, but this incident is really affecting all four of us. it is really not worth it to spoil your 19 years of marriage over such matters which, in my opinion, is trivial.

好自为之..

your son

Apathy

2006-12-21T01:28:00.000+08:00

the worst part of not being able to read other people's expressions properly and sense other's emotions well is that the mistake i am doing will repeat itself without me even knowing i am offending others.. i really hate being the slayer of smiles.. it totally sucks..

sadly, rarely does anyone really tells this old piece of rock anything anymore.. so, in order to better understand the strange surroundings, i always compare with my own thought processes.. which is not always accurate..

so, when in doubt, i would resort to a defensive stance.. one which doesnt offend anyone.. but like any weapon, it is a double-edged sword.. at the same time it also does not make anyone happy or anything.. apathy.. i neither anger nor entertain anyone.. which is good, unless people start wondering why am i stoning so badly..

actually, just taking a step back and listening to things that are going on and thinking through everything without actually taking part is not a bad thing at all.. 旁观者清.. sometimes it is nice to be a 旁观者 for once..

Metaphysics

2006-12-17T19:40:00.000+08:00

interesting divination (love life) done by Xiying for me on the second night in Genting..

both your hearts are together, but she likes another guy.. she is also a good friend of another girl who likes you..

kinda screwed up tangle.. even Xiying agrees with me that it is quite horrible..

and regarding the sudden fiasco regarding the pendant my dad ask me to wear.. apparently someone in the market downstairs offending someone, and that someone used dark magic to get back at that guy.. not sure the cause and effect but for it to spook my dad so bad it must have been not so good..

and, considering his position as the one keeping order in the neighbourhood, especially the order of the amount of space per shop is able to use in the public walkway, my dad is a little paranoid about sabotage, especially after the 2 incident while i was away..

first is that someone threw chicken bones into the gap between the door and the gate.. the next night a stick liquid is poured on the padlock.. weird people.. luckily it stopped before i came home..

Random Thoughts

2006-12-07T21:03:00.000+08:00

its interesting to observe yourself having a split personality.. eerily eerie but yet still interesting nontheless.. to be arguing heatedly with yourself in your mind, only to have your heart step in as the middleman and stick it to both sides that they are idiots..

i am sure what i sensed is correct.. this i am sure of it.. her liking towards someone.. weirdest part of all.. i dont care.. at all.. no remorse no regret no jealousy.. perhaps i really learnt to forget.. just at the right time i guess.. 缘分已尽.. 没必要再死残下去.. 既然我已经能够成全，是时候该放下了..

well kinda tired these few days.. workload at work is managable, nothing too stressful, not exactly monotonous with all the uncles and aunties around you gossiping and swearing.. personally not one who enjoys socialising with strangers, i dont join in.. even when they are celebrating a colleague's birthday.. guess i'm the 自闭小孩 in the office.. i am afterall the youngest..

Genting trip in 3 days.. not exactly very enthusiastic about it.. just feel tired..

oh well.. come what may..

Clubbing

2006-11-23T23:16:00.000+08:00

some friends went clubbing today.. frankly, i am extremely worried about them.. whether it is that they found trouble or trouble finds them, i dont think they have the capacity to handle that kind of trouble.. even with 2 experienced clubbers within their group..

seriously, what's so fun about clubbing? merely a noisier place to drink compared to a lounge and a dance floor is provided.. just another place for desperate guys and girls to find one another (one reason why i am worried) and insecure youngsters who wanna prove they've got the balls to do whatever they like (this i believe they can handle quite ok)..

hope nothing goes wrong..

Attention?

2006-11-20T00:16:00.000+08:00

just realised that i am what i should not be.. an attention-seeker..

think i am doing it subconsciously.. perhaps that's why i was not liked by the people in my Primary School (i was a downright asshole back then.. given a chance i would bash the me-of-the-past if i have the chance)..

but now? i really dont know.. just feels kinda weird when all the attention is focused on me (my wallet going missing).. i can see others moody.. not sure it is my fault, but safer to assume so..

just hope to change the habit.. regardless whether subconscious behaviours are difficult to change..

oh and i think i indirectly hurt someone's feelings today.. absolutely not on purpose, but some things just happened when i am so tired and my brain just shuts down.. sorry..

btw, just for remembrace sake, the number plate is SGE 439 J.. just dont want anyone to go round misusing the number.. real nice family..

The End?

2006-11-17T11:31:00.000+08:00

this is a momentous day.. close to the hour which a huge transaction in my life is about to take place.. i feel excited and fearful at the same time..

i feel grateful for all the people in my life who shaped me the way i am today.. if not i am sure i would be a stupid good-for-nothing nerd (not that it is bad, just that it is a life i dont like.. but my dad would beg to defer)..

well i guess this is the way of life.. things come and go..

Freaky Reminiscence

2006-11-14T20:39:00.000+08:00

Mr Gilbert Tay just called my house..

apparently he read my blog and spoke to me about my Physics paper entry.. seems extremely familiar to an event that occured about a year ago..

freaky..

Untitled

2006-11-13T21:33:00.000+08:00

i really hate it when i am the cause which killed her smile..

i know i should be trying to forget, but it still injures me in a way just by seeing her smile fade.. tantamount to stabbing me in the heart..

i dont know why, but ever since young i have never been the entertainer.. assistant maybe, but never one who brings smiles to others..

so, seeing that i am unable to make her happy anyway, i would rather not start anything, because until i am able to change somehow and know how to make her happy, i am simply not fit to start anything at all..

Arrogance

2006-11-09T22:06:00.000+08:00

i feel that i am getting a little too complacent about my studies.. and it is starting to affect my normal behaviour..

lately, i have been making many sweeping statements.. of which after some thought, it make me seem very arrogant.. this is not how it should be.. think i am letting the competitive me gain control over the logical me (i think i am extremely schizophrenic).. the inside of me is always at war (conflicting personalities)..

maybe i should, until i am able to change, think first before i speak..

Implications

2006-11-08T20:56:00.000+08:00

seriously, i really hate going into such a state of mind.. implications of action..

but, day by day, the motive becomes clearer to me.. the attention seeking.. the forcing of speech.. the indifference to other's opinion.. the refusal of listening to others so one can finish one's speech..

seriously, i am kinda sick of it..

also, jieyan has recently been weird.. 搞自闭.. it seems so unnatural of him.. cos normally, when he is in trouble, he would surely voice it out somewhere.. perhaps it has something to do with his brother.. perhaps not.. but i feel all that he is doing now is to cause people to become cautious when he is near, and the stress on everyone is not good at all..

放弃

2006-11-07T20:12:00.000+08:00

this is the end...
end of my patience...
all msg gone...
only pics remain...
i m done...
done being a guardian angel...
it has been too long...
till i neva noticed i dun feel anything fo her anymore...
6 yrs being her unseen guardian...
that's it...
i m done being a planeswalker of someone...
today on i will b a planeswalker of no one...
no one but myself...
from today...
Allwyn Planeswalker is reborn...

i wrote this in 2004.. 2 years later, i am still the same old me.. the ignorance and denial i felt 2 years ago right before the seperation.. the desperation.. the familiar feeling i have gotten used to..

but today, i realise that the feeling has indeed start to fade.. last night's 聊斋, 使我开窍.. 我已经开始学会如何成全.. 这么一来，放弃就会更容易了..

Attention

2006-11-06T19:48:00.000+08:00

Attention.. one of the few main 'propulsion fuel' of human actions..

even for non-humans such as December, attention seeking has always been his/her/it's main purpose of life..

it is those who are most attention catching are actually those who cant live without attention..

a person at the centre of attraction, when those attention are taken away, will seem less than ordinary.. to the extent that they will start to sulk..

these people are just too dependent on attention.. to them, it is just like a drug..

frankly, that is pathetic..

Scary Dream

2006-11-05T18:47:00.000+08:00

had a nightmare last night.. one which i wished it would never happen in real life.. it made me understand and experience the fear and helplessness when a person i hold dear faced a life and death situation..

i was walking along a underpass to a shopping centre, when i met some friends.. we then went to a cafe, where one of them, A, complained of a headache..

dont know for what reason, we realised that it was caused by a mini-explosive capsule implanted in her brain MI-III style.. she fainted from the headache and somebody did CPR (no link, but it was in desperation and it was still a dream) on her.. the initial feeling of helplessness was so intense till i forgotten that it was a dream and tried all means to help her..

realising that the time was short, we carried her out and took her to our teacher(?) who was nearby.. a friend, B, tried to tell the teacher what was happening, but he seemed to be getting it all wrong, so i interupted him and told him about the capsule.. B looked at me with resent, which caused another wave of despair..

A woke up, and the teacher decided that nothing was wrong with her.. we was then supposed to attend a concert on the parade square, something with people wearing props mimicking the Great Wall.. and though A was still complaining of headache, we were seperated because we have designated places to stand.. i was left with B, who was crying a little and shoved his way through the crowd to get away from me..

when i was about to squeeze my way back to A, someone grabbed me and said i had to help finish a sculpture.. despite my protest, i was dragged to a 2-storey building.. all this time, the only thing i could think of was the ticking explosive in A's head..

the sculpture turned out to be something stupid, made up of lots of penguins, so i tried to excuse myself and run back, but the in-charge sent someone to ensure obedience.. the thought that A may already met with mishap, just the thought of it, caused me fear and a unprecedented feeling of sadness..

-end of dream-

was interupted cos i was suppose to wake up.. luckily i did, cos the feeling inside the dream was so intense that i could not forget it even after a few hours, when i was studying in the library..

The Call

2006-11-03T21:25:00.000+08:00

i couldnt imagine the jubilation i felt when i received a call today.. the first time i received a call for this purpose.. though i cannot do anything to help, all i can do was to listen to them complaining and just let them vent their frustrations..

but sometimes it is due to these 'rewards' that makes it more difficult to let go..

“要学会放下，就得先学会成全..”

这是我觉得是个特别深奥的道理.. 要放弃一个人，不一定要忘掉她.. 重要的是懂得几时放手，懂得几时让她去追求她真正的快乐..

Internal Conflict

2006-11-02T18:48:00.000+08:00

listening to the irony, staring at the paradox, i am faced with a daily conflict which, in the face of the A level, is causing me to weaken day by day and eventually a fight i will lose..

being a guardian angel is fulfulling.. it is good to know that she is happy and that she is not oppressed anyhow.. but to learn that friendly provocation is also a way of life is something i must learn to differentiate from actual provocation.. if not i may end up hurting my own friends..

anyway, with the end of the first phase of the A levels, a little burden is lifted in the sense that i am not so fearful about the As..

but seriously, i will miss those mugging days with the group of friends.. it is really the time i feel closest to them, where the need to outshine one another is not needed, and mutual cooperation for the benefit of everyone is the key goal..

good things dont last long.. that's the cruel fact of life.. i must learn to let go soon or else i would be severely wounded by the seperation..